It's almost that time of year again...Thanksgiving. We all sit around and discuss what we are truly thankful for in our lives. One person almost certain to be left out of these conversations this season is the stepmother. You almost can't say or write the word without hearing the ghost of "evil" in front of it. Thank you Walt Disney.
I have never written a blog before and have no idea what to expect. No idea what thoughts will flow from my brain to the keyboard I sit in front of. No idea what, if any, responses I will get or from whom. All I know is that sometimes, being a stepmom, is a very lonely place. The thoughts, concerns, complaints, small victories and great joys often cannot be shared with the ones closest to me because, unless you are a stepmom, you just don't have the same perspective, appreciation or understanding. So here, anonymously online, I can vent and celebrate the day to day life of being a stepmom.
Our story is unique in how we became a family. But that story is long and complex and will be saved for another day. All that matters now is that we are a family. For the past two wonderful, if not stressful, years of my life, I have been blessed to be a part of a wonderful family. My fiance, Joe, is a loving man and probably the best example of a father that I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. And I assure you that there is no bias in that statement. I exclude no one, including my own father, in making that comparison. My daughter (or technically, stepdaughter) is Maya, a beautiful 4-year old little girl that you can't help falling in love with every time she smiles. We share her with her mother, who lives 4 miles away, and that's all I care to say about that at this time.
I'm sure every blog, post, rant you have ever read from a stepmother involves the word thankless. And I hate to be redundant, but there is truly no more accurate of a term for the job we have taken on. As a stepmom, you have all of the responsibilities (cleaning, cooking, bathing, transporting, entertaining, etc) that a mother has, yet NONE of the privileges that come with being a biological mother. This is unique to stepmothers too, most stepfathers probably don't take on quite the commitment we do. Often, in fact, I feel that I have taken on more of the responsibility than Joe, Maya's own father.
I mean, think about it. If we are out eating, playing, whatever, and Maya has to have her diaper changed/go to the bathroom/has an accident/etc, who do you think is caring her diapers/back up clothes/wipes? Who do you think is taking them into the bathroom and doing the "dirty" work? Biological or not, if there is a woman around, they are probably the one taking charge and handling that situation.
Same thing goes with the home "work." Who wakes up and does her hair in the morning? Who buys/picks out outfits? Who gives her a bath (to make sure all of our feminine parts are attended to and CLEAN!!)? Who decorates her room and pick out her pink chair that's just her size with matching curtains? Who puts thought into the little details to make sure everything is perfect and that their daughter feels right at home? As wonderful as a father Joe is, he's just that a father, a MAN. He's not doing the hard work (most of the time). I don't mean to say that he NEVER does any of the above, but it is most certainly nowhere near 50/50. If I had to guess I might say 80/20 and that may be generous.
Joe does all the fun stuff. Reading to her at night, taking her to the park, the playground, the movies, to dinner, etc. A lot of times I miss out on this. I work a full time job and a part time job and often am not around for the fun parts. And even when I am, I still, after two years feel like a third wheel in my own family.
When we are all in the car, on a trip out of town or just to the grocery store, Maya always addresses "Daddy." "Daddy look at this!" "Daddy, guess what?!" It's like I'm not even there. It's the Joe and Maya show. It's like that everywhere we go. She wants to hold Daddy's hand and have Daddy pick her up and give Daddy a hug and do fill-in-the-blank with Daddy. It's like a tiny dagger stabbing you in the heart, every time. I LOVE that she loves her dad so much and that they have such a great relationship. I just want to have that relationship too. And sometimes, I feel like I will never have that, until I have my own biological child of my own.
And then to rub salt in the wound, when Maya and I do talk and play and have our own, alone time, together, it never fails...five minutes into the conversation/game/moment I hear "My mommy has this/said this/bought this...etc." And 90% of the time, it's not even true, it's just a reason for her to talk about her "real" mom. Most of the times it was actually me that bought her this or gave her this or fill-in-the-blank. I can appreciate that she has a relationship with her mother, but I do not and when I'm with Maya I would prefer to not have the constant reminder that I am NOT her mother. I usually just change the subject and hope that she doesn't continue talking about her, which usually works, for a while.
I feel like I have to work 5 times as hard as the average parent without any of the reward. As a stepparent, you are not unconditionally loved by the child you love, you have to earn it over and over and over, every day. And not only that, but you have the added pressure of making sure your partner is pleased with you and the job you are doing. Perhaps because Joe is such a fantastic father to Maya, he may be a tad overprotective of her and perhaps even especially so when it comes to me, someone whom she truly needs no protection from. I don't get a lot of thanks from him or from Maya (granted she is 4) for the countless, albeit often unnoticed things I do everyday. However, I get no shortage of complaints and grievances. I didn't hug her long enough, engage her in conversation quick enough, smile enough, etc. It was wrong of me to deny her candy, her fifth cup of sugary juice, to make her stay seated at the table. I had the wrong look on my face or tone in my voice. Things that I didn't notice and certainly neither did Maya, but in some way it offended Joe as he looks to protect Maya.
Now don't misunderstand. I do not hit, spank, or otherwise touch Maya. I do not yell at Maya and have not even so much as sent her to "time out" in several months. I merely "discipline" her and seek to make sure she eats well and is well mannered. She just turned four last month and has not one, but THREE cavities already. So when I deny her candy or a fifth juice box, it is not because I am the EVIL stepmother I am made to feel like, it is because I care about her and am concerned about her well being. I have no control over what she eats, drinks, wears, does at her other house, so I want to give her the best possible care while she is at ours. She is certainly not denied anything. She has not one, but two rooms in our house as her own and never wants for anything. Dare I say it, that child may be just a smidge on the spoiled side.
But my reasoning is always overlooked. I am always made to feel "not good enough" and continue to feel like an outsider in my own home. It's been two years and I doubt Maya even remembers a time before I was in her life, or even when her parents were ever together. I thought that would make it easier. But it continues to be a day-to-day struggle. A struggle to find my place in my family.
So as we celebrate Thanksgiving this week, and I cook the big meal on Thursday with all of Joe's and Maya's favorites, I will say a quiet thank you to all of the stepmoms out there. I'm sure you don't hear it enough. THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! Thank you for hanging in there through the constant emotional torment. Thank you for doing all the dirty work in hopes that you get one genuine, unprovoked hug, kiss or smile from the child or children you have CHOSEN to love and care for. Thank you for constantly giving and giving and giving. I know what you are going through and I appreciate you.
