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Holiday Fun (Every Other Weekend)

There is so much to do and see at the holidays, and with two working parents, it can be difficult to do things during the week.  That leaves the weekends.  There are already a limited number of holiday weekends, but when you are a stepmom, you probably don't get all of them with your child.  Joe and I get Maya every other weekend, so we will have to prioritize our activities.  Here's a list of the top events/activities we'd like to fit in this holiday season:

1. Santa

Of course, enough said.  You've got to have the annual picture with Santa, all dolled up in holiday attire.  I am hoping that this year she will be less fearful and more excited.  There probably aren't many years left that she'll be a believer, so it would be nice for her to at least look forward to seeing Santa once.

2. Christmas Lights

Kids young and old can appreciate the beauty of holiday lights and there are some really fantastic displays in and around Atlanta this time of year.  Last year we went to Lights of Life at Life University in Marietta.  It was miles of beautiful Christmas scenes in thousands of lights.  It was really something to see and we all really enjoyed it. 

This year, I think we'll try something different.  Joe is a big fan of Stone Mountain and I haven't had the pleasure of seeing their Christmas lights in about 4 years, so that would be exciting.  With more than 2 million lights in the village and on the roads of the tree covered mountain, it's certainly a sight to see. 

3. SNOW Fun

But perhaps we'll make a day of it and go to Snow Mountain first.  In it's third year, Snow Mountain features a snow-packed mountainside and action-packed excitement. With over five football fields of frosty joy, including 20 lanes of tubing we can zoom down the 400-foot hill in our family-sized tubes, or go it alone as a single rider. From snowman building to snowball shooting, tubing to togetherness, there is loads of fun to be had for everyone!  I've never participated in the Snow Mountain activities, but have long desired to go.   Plus, if it's anything like last year, this may be the only snow we see all year.

 4. Gingerbread House

We bought one of these last year and never had the time to make it.  Hopefully with better planning, we'll be able to complete the one I purchased this year.  I like cooking with Maya, but once the batter is mixed and put into the oven, there's a lot of waiting and not a lot of eating.  With the Gingerbread House, we'll have lots of things to snack on while we build our Christmas Decor masterpiece (right before we eat that too).

5. Visiting Family

As if it needed to be said.  This holiday season, we will spend one of our precious weekends at Grandma's house for family food, fun and PRESENTS!!  Maya will get to see and play with her cousins and be doted on by the grandparents.  Should be a great time!

That's likely all we'll have time for this holiday season, and I certainly hope we can fit it all in this year!  Hoping we have some great memories this Christmas!

Happy Holidays!

Elf on the Shelf and All Things Christmas

Thanksgiving was, overall, a success.  I think everyone was pleased with the meal as a whole.  So I'll pat myself on the back for that one.  On Thanksgiving, our elf on the shelf, Ellie, made her reappearance.  Maya was very excited and made very sure that I didn't (even accidentally) touch Ellie to make sure she wouldn't lose her magic.  This proved difficult on the day Ellie was perched on the windowsill and I wanted to put up the window lights for Christmas (had to wait that one out).

Sometimes it's hard to remember to move Ellie each day and she ends up moving just a few feet and sitting in a different part of the room.  But sometimes I remember and am able to execute a really cute set up.  This morning, we found Ellie roasting marshmallows. 

I'm going to make an effort to do more fun things like this in the future.  Pinterest is definitely my friend when it comes to elf ideas.  The whole Elf on the Shelf concept is the greatest idea ever.  It is a reason for your kids to behave, a way to learn, from them, what they want for Christmas BEFORE you go see Santa, and it's just a fun way to keep the excitement of Christmas and Santa going all season long. 

Alright, and now time for the stepmom rantings, the part of Christmas that is different and difficult because you are a stepmom or really for anyone sharing custody of a child at the holidays...

Christmas Day

We get Maya ON Christmas every OTHER year (odd years).  Because we can appreciate the significance of the holiday and try to be fair, when we had her last year, we spent the days leading up to Christmas with her and Christmas morning.  Christmas afternoon/early evening, we took her to her mother's house so that she could spend the rest of the day with her mother and open her other Christmas presents from Santa and other family members.

As I'm learning more and more, we are the ONLY considerate side of the equation.  This year, not only will Maya's mother NOT send her to our house Christmas evening, she's actually taking Maya half way across the country for Christmas to Oklahoma of all places.  We found this little bit of information out last night, and the "itinerary" is still to come.  Apparently she will be TELLING, not ASKING us.  We are supposed to have Maya the day after Christmas, though from the sound of it, that may not be happening.  I don't know why I'm surprised.  I really shouldn't be.

Gifts from Santa

One of the things I said I loved about the elf was that I got to hear, from Maya, what she wanted for Christmas, well in advance.  Well, so does her mother.  This year, Maya asked the elf for a Lalaloopsy doll and a Woody (Toy Story) Doll.  So on Cyber Monday, I went online and bought a lalaloopsy doll for her to receive from Santa.  I then received an email from her mother last night stating that Maya had told the elf that she wanted the lalaloopsy doll and Woody and so we should NOT purchase those items, as she was planning on buying BOTH.  I responded that I had heard the same request and had ALREADY purchased the LL Doll but would be happy to let her purchase Woody if she so chose. 

After a back and forth argument over this, Maya's mother said that she would still be buying BOTH toys and if we wanted to still give her the doll, then she would just have two.  That woman infuriates me.  How anti climatic, "OOoohh...ANOTHER Lalaloopsy doll...cool."  And I can see it now, "Why did Santa give me two of the same gifts?" 

So now I have something that I can't return and I am pondering what to do since apparently I'm up against Ms. Stubborn over there.  That's her MO though - her way or the highway.  Ms. Control Freak as my fiance puts it.

And all of this at a time of year that we should all be joyous and light-hearted.  It's such a shame, but we will figure something out as we always do. :-)

Hope everyone else has a much smoother holiday season!  Here's hoping that was the worst of it!

Why don't you and mommy live together?

And just when you least expect it...BAM!  It's like a right hook out of nowhere.

After a lovely, chatty, laughter filled family meal this evening, Maya started showing off her artwork to me.  She showed me a drawing she made earlier today and explained that the people in the picture were Daddy, Mommy Jess (me), Mommy, Gizmo (our cat), Bailey (her mom's dog) and Maya.  I then asked what the item in the middle was.  That was "our house."  I said "Oooh, those are our houseS."  She quickly corrected me saying that we all lived together.  I just smiled and said Ok.

Then came the question.  The question I never expected, since Maya's parents have not lived together since her second birthday.  I figured she never would remember that.  I think I was right, but I never took into consideration that she might ask WHY.  And then it happened, "Daddy, why don't you and Mommy live together?"  He was clearly just as surprised by this question as I was, and after an awkward pause, I answered with a simple "Because Daddy lives with Mommy Jess."  Again came, "Why?".  This time Joe had an answer, "Because I love her, very much."  Smiling inside from his response, I never expected the conversation to take the next turn that it did.

Maya responded, without missing a beat, "but I don't like Mommy Jess."  There it is, the blow to the stomach.  The heart wrenching words I never expected to hear our of my gorgeous four year old's pretty little mouth.  A teenager maybe, I mean who hasn't hated their parents, real or step at some point in their teen years.  But this unprovoked blow just came from nowhere.  I feel like my skin went instantly pale.  Joe immediately tried to remedy the situation and was very upset by the comment.  It didn't matter, the apology was insincere and the damage was done.  Whoever came up with the "sticks and stones" mantra was never a stepmom.

It's just one of my little daily reminders that I'm not her "real" mom.  I don't get unconditional love from that little girl, even though I love her with all of my heart.  I have to earn it, every day.

As I write this, she is throwing a tantrum upstairs while her dad attempts to calm her down and get her ready for bed.  I'm hoping that sleep will be good for all of us, myself included, and that tomorrow will be a wonderful Thanksgiving.  A Thanksgiving for the memories. :)  Here's hoping!!

Happy early Thanksgiving!!

What's On the Menu - Turkey Day

Though I'm not what I would call a "chef" and my fiance would probably make jokes about whether I know where the kitchen is or not, I actually look forward to cooking exactly one meal a year - Thanksgiving Dinner.  The one request I made for holidays when we got together, was that, when we have our daughter (alternating Thanksgiving or Christmas each year), we celebrate that holiday at home.  It's important to me that we create traditions and memories.

We didn't have Maya last year for Thanksgiving (we got Christmas!) but we did start a holiday tradition for Thanksgiving, the Elf on the Shelf.  If you've never heard of it, you should really look into it.  A little elf comes to visit on Thanksgiving night and "returns" each day until Christmas to check on the child.  The elf "reports" back to Santa each night about whether the child has been naughty or nice and what the child REALLY wants for Christmas.  It's a fun game as you hide the elf in a different place each morning (since he went to the North Pole the night before) and the child has to go searching for their elf.  Hiding places can get pretty creative.  There are whole books, blogs and boards dedicated to this.

The elf, who Maya has named "Ellie" will make a return to our home this Thanksgiving night.  But along with that tradition, for the first time, I will make Thanksgiving dinner for the three of us....and by myself.  I'm secretly patting myself on the back for insisting on double ovens when we built our house this summer.

This excites me in some ways but terrifies me in others.  As I mentioned, I'm not an avid cooker.  What I didn't mention is that I have some serious obstacles to work through.  I have Celiac Disease and cannot have gluten (read wheat, barley, rye, anything that tastes good).  Not only that, but HANDLING products containing gluten can also sometimes give me adverse reactions.  I don't know if you realize this, but bread crumbs, flour and pasta tend to be pretty large parts of most thanksgiving meals. 

On top of this, Maya has become a picky eater.  She used to eat literally anything and everything in sight.  Then about 6 months ago she started a ritual where she picks at least one item on her plate and declares that she no longer likes it.  So keep up with that list right?  Wrong.  It grows exponentially by the day.  She also changes her mind more than she changes clothes.  Last week she wanted to eat the pepperonis off of her dad's pizza.  This week she doesn't like pepperonis and won't eat pizza unless it's cheese ONLY.  We used to go strawberry picking.  Now she picks AROUND her strawberries in her fruit bowl.  And then there's peanut butter, jelly, crust (sometimes), bread (depending on the type and meal), spicy foods, etc.

So I need to make a gluten free-friendly and tasty kid-friendly Thanksgiving dinner that will also impress my fiance and kill the kitchen jokes (at least for a week or two).   Fingers crossed that all goes well.  I don't end up sick and I don't make anyone sick (or burn down the house in the process).

My plans for the big meal include Maple Sweet Potato Cups (individual servings with a glob of melted marshmallow on top), Mashed Potatoes (with cheese and cream cheese), Stuffins (stuffing in a muffin pan), Buttery Dinner Rolls (I'm rolling up my sleeves on this one, dinner rolls are never good gluten-free, I'm just going to have to miss out and hope I don't get sick making them), Lemony Green Beans (fresh and delish), Golden (GLUTEN FREE) Mac & Cheese, Apples in the shape of a Turkey (trust me) and (store bought) Cherry Pie.  Well, and Turkey of course!!

For the man in my life and myself, I am also making a cranberry/champagne punch that is sure to keep us all in good spirits, even if my recipes flop.

Hope all goes well, I'll report back what the peanut gallery thought of all my hard work on Thursday.  Anyone else have some easy, kid friendly, gluten free friendly recipes they are dying to share???? Please??? :D

THANKS for always GIVING

It's almost that time of year again...Thanksgiving.  We all sit around and discuss what we are truly thankful for in our lives.  One person almost certain to be left out of these conversations this season is the stepmother.  You almost can't say or write the word without hearing the ghost of "evil" in front of it.  Thank you Walt Disney.

I have never written a blog before and have no idea what to expect.  No idea what thoughts will flow from my brain to the keyboard I sit in front of.  No idea what, if any, responses I will get or from whom.  All I know is that sometimes, being a stepmom, is a very lonely place.  The thoughts, concerns, complaints, small victories and great joys often cannot be shared with the ones closest to me because, unless you are a stepmom, you just don't have the same perspective, appreciation or understanding.  So here, anonymously online, I can vent and celebrate the day to day life of being a stepmom.

Our story is unique in how we became a family.  But that story is long and complex and will be saved for another day.  All that matters now is that we are a family.  For the past two wonderful, if not stressful, years of my life, I have been blessed to be a part of a wonderful family.  My fiance, Joe, is a loving man and probably the best example of a father that I have ever had the pleasure of meeting.  And I assure you that there is no bias in that statement.  I exclude no one, including my own father, in making that comparison.  My daughter (or technically, stepdaughter) is Maya, a beautiful 4-year old little girl that you can't help falling in love with every time she smiles.  We share her with her mother, who lives 4 miles away, and that's all I care to say about that at this time. 

I'm sure every blog, post, rant you have ever read from a stepmother involves the word thankless.  And I hate to be redundant, but there is truly no more accurate of a term for the job we have taken on.  As a stepmom, you have all of the responsibilities (cleaning, cooking, bathing, transporting, entertaining, etc) that a mother has, yet NONE of the privileges that come with being a biological mother.  This is unique to stepmothers too, most stepfathers probably don't take on quite the commitment we do.  Often, in fact, I feel that I have taken on more of the responsibility than Joe, Maya's own father.

I mean, think about it.  If we are out eating, playing, whatever, and Maya has to have her diaper changed/go to the bathroom/has an accident/etc, who do you think is caring her diapers/back up clothes/wipes?  Who do you think is taking them into the bathroom and doing the "dirty" work?  Biological or not, if there is a woman around, they are probably the one taking charge and handling that situation. 

Same thing goes with the home "work."  Who wakes up and does her hair in the morning?  Who buys/picks out outfits?  Who gives her a bath (to make sure all of our feminine parts are attended to and CLEAN!!)?  Who decorates her room and pick out her pink chair that's just her size with matching curtains?  Who puts thought into the little details to make sure everything is perfect and that their daughter feels right at home?  As wonderful as a father Joe is, he's just that a father, a MAN.  He's not doing the hard work (most of the time).  I don't mean to say that he NEVER does any of the above, but it is most certainly nowhere near 50/50.  If I had to guess I might say 80/20 and that may be generous.

Joe does all the fun stuff.  Reading to her at night, taking her to the park, the playground, the movies, to dinner, etc.  A lot of times I miss out on this.  I work a full time job and a part time job and often am not around for the fun parts.  And even when I am, I still, after two years feel like a third wheel in my own family. 

When we are all in the car, on a trip out of town or just to the grocery store, Maya always addresses "Daddy."  "Daddy look at this!"  "Daddy, guess what?!"  It's like I'm not even there.  It's the Joe and Maya show.  It's like that everywhere we go.  She wants to hold Daddy's hand and have Daddy pick her up and give Daddy a hug and do fill-in-the-blank with Daddy.  It's like a tiny dagger stabbing you in the heart, every time.  I LOVE that she loves her dad so much and that they have such a great relationship.  I just want to have that relationship too.  And sometimes, I feel like I will never have that, until I have my own biological child of my own.

And then to rub salt in the wound, when Maya and I do talk and play and have our own, alone time, together, it never fails...five minutes into the conversation/game/moment I hear "My mommy has this/said this/bought this...etc."  And 90% of the time, it's not even true, it's just a reason for her to talk about her "real" mom.  Most of the times it was actually me that bought her this or gave her this or fill-in-the-blank.  I can appreciate that she has a relationship with her mother, but I do not and when I'm with Maya I would prefer to not have the constant reminder that I am NOT her mother.  I usually just change the subject and hope that she doesn't continue talking about her, which usually works, for a while.

I feel like I have to work 5 times as hard as the average parent without any of the reward.  As a stepparent, you are not unconditionally loved by the child you love, you have to earn it over and over and over, every day.  And not only that, but you have the added pressure of making sure your partner is pleased with you and the job you are doing.  Perhaps because Joe is such a fantastic father to Maya, he may be a tad overprotective of her and perhaps even especially so when it comes to me, someone whom she truly needs no protection from.  I don't get a lot of thanks from him or from Maya (granted she is 4) for the countless, albeit often unnoticed things I do everyday.  However, I get no shortage of complaints and grievances.  I didn't hug her long enough, engage her in conversation quick enough, smile enough, etc.  It was wrong of me to deny her candy, her fifth cup of sugary juice, to make her stay seated at the table.  I had the wrong look on my face or tone in my voice.  Things that I didn't notice and certainly neither did Maya, but in some way it offended Joe as he looks to protect Maya. 

Now don't misunderstand.  I do not hit, spank, or otherwise touch Maya. I do not yell at Maya and have not even so much as sent her to "time out" in several months.  I merely "discipline" her and seek to make sure she eats well and is well mannered.  She just turned four last month and has not one, but THREE cavities already.  So when I deny her candy or a fifth juice box, it is not because I am the EVIL stepmother I am made to feel like, it is because I care about her and am concerned about her well being.  I have no control over what she eats, drinks, wears, does at her other house, so I want to give her the best possible care while she is at ours.  She is certainly not denied anything.  She has not one, but two rooms in our house as her own and never wants for anything.  Dare I say it, that child may be just a smidge on the spoiled side.

But my reasoning is always overlooked. I am always made to feel "not good enough" and continue to feel like an outsider in my own home.  It's been two years and I doubt Maya even remembers a time before I was in her life, or even when her parents were ever together.  I thought that would make it easier.  But it continues to be a day-to-day struggle.  A struggle to find my place in my family.

So as we celebrate Thanksgiving this week, and I cook the big meal on Thursday with all of Joe's and Maya's favorites, I will say a quiet thank you to all of the stepmoms out there.  I'm sure you don't hear it enough.  THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!  Thank you for hanging in there through the constant emotional torment.  Thank you for doing all the dirty work in hopes that you get one genuine, unprovoked hug, kiss or smile from the child or children you have CHOSEN to love and care for. Thank you for constantly giving and giving and giving.  I know what you are going through and I appreciate you.